When you give up your ideas of how things should be, all that remains is doing your best with how things are. That’s surrender.
One of the things I learned in a Scriptwriting course I took last year was that the main character must always want something badly and pursue it throughout the movie. That is what makes the story interesting, our teacher said. If you want a good story, you cannot have a main character who doesn’t want anything. Because if the character doesn’t want anything, you have no plot. You have nothing hindering him, nothing opposing him, no big choices that he needs to make. He’s just… there.
I found that to be a fitting description of how I have been conducting my life. I didn’t take risks, or when I did, I rushed against the storm. I didn’t put effort in things and I avoided choices. I didn’t dare to assert myself.
And it turns out, if you don’t pursue what you like, want, need… which is to affirm your place in the world and to have healthy self-interest, then the default is to define yourself in terms of what you don’t like or want, which creates a negative outlook on life.
It would appear that the difference between the two is the difference between purposeful action and fearful reaction.
If you do not choose, if you do not use your voice, if you do not initiate things and decide upon goals, you revert to a state where you react to your circumstances.
So I think that building healthy aggression is important, because that is the impetus you need to pull you out of inertia. Instead of fighting circumstances, you let intentions carry you forward.
And also, deciding upon a goal, as abstract or imperfect as it may appear, it is better than not deciding upon anything. You choose and then refine. You get things moving. You learn, you experience, you improve, you grow.
And by your choices and the goals you pursue, things start falling into place. You know what you need to say yes to and no to, you get to know what you like and what clicks. And you get to learn about who you are.
And you finally turn the page and start a new chapter : )
Comparing ourselves to others and competitiveness are the side effects of thinking that our value comes from external things like knowledge, power, status, etc..
This produces two fears: the fear of not being good enough and the fear of being “surpassed”.
This produces anxiety and unhealthy ambition.
And so the endless chase begins until the whole premise is exposed as illusory.
We happen upon the vicious circle when we adopt wrong conclusions, perhaps because we were valued for our abilities as children. Then the cause goes away, but the conclusion stays with us. And so the effect becomes the cause that keeps the circle spinning.
That is why change doesn’t happen by willpower alone. It is understanding that is truly transformational.
“To understand is to transform what is.” – Jiddu Krishnamurti
Found this great audiobook on YouTube on healing trauma.
It’s by Peter Levine and it explains what trauma is, how it is associated to a freeze/immobility response in the body and how to come out of it.
If you’re feeling stuck, trapped or blocked, this might help.
I think all this awakening “game” is about realizing that you already have what you’re looking for on the outside within you, that you already are what you’re seeking.
It’s about seeing that all those things that make you want to get, to obtain, to achieve, to change, to heal, to transform come from the illusory assumption that you are not that already or that you do not have that already.
What a silly game! Constantly running to get something that you don’t know you already have. Constantly running to try to become that which you already are!
“I have found over the years of working with people, even people who have had very deep and profound awakenings, that most people have a fear of being truthful, of really being honest—not only with others, but with themselves as well. Of course, the core of this fear is that most people know intuitively that if they were actually totally truthful and totally sincere and honest, they would no longer be able to control anybody.
We can not control somebody with whom we have been truthful. We can only control people if we tell half-truths, if we shave down what is true. When we tell the total truth, our inside is suddenly on the outside. There’s nothing hidden anymore. For most human beings, being that exposed brings up incredible fear. Most people walk around thinking, “My god, if anybody could look inside of me, if anybody could see what is happening in there, what my fears are, what my doubts are, what my truths are, what I really perceive, they would be horrified.”
Most people are protecting themselves. They are holding a lot of things in. They are not living honest, truthful, and sincere lives, because if they were to do so, they would have no control. Of course, they don’t have control anyway, but they would have no illusion of control, either.
Most people don’t get out of childhood without having many experiences of being wounded for telling the truth. Someone said, “You can’t say that,” or “You shouldn’t say that,” or “That wasn’t appropriate.” As a result, most of us have very deep underlying conditioning that being just who we are is not okay. We have been conditioned to believe that there are times when it is okay to be truthful and honest, and there are times when it is not okay to be truthful and honest. Most human beings actually have an imprinting—not only in their minds, but in their bodies and their emotions—that if they are honest, if they are real, something bad is going to happen. Somebody is not going to like it. They won’t be able to control their environment if they tell the truth.
But telling the truth is an aspect of awakening. It may not seem like it, because it’s very practical and very human. It’s not transcendent. It’s not about pure consciousness, it’s about how pure consciousness manifests as a human being in an undivided way. We must be able to manifest what we realize, and we must also come to grips with and start to notice the very forces within us that keep us from manifesting truthfulness in every situation.
Almost every time I’ve given a talk like this in public, someone will come up to me later and say, “You know that talk you gave on truthfulness and honesty and all that?” And I’ll go, “Yeah, I remember the talk.” And they’ll say, “Well, somebody came up in the parking lot afterward and decided that she needed to tell me all the rotten things she thought about me, in the name of honesty.
And I just kind of shake my head. I hesitate to even give talks on this topic, because it’s so easy to misunderstand.
Truth is a very high standard. Truth is not a plaything. To tell what is true within ourselves is not to tell what we think; it is not to tell our opinion. It is not to dump the garbage can of our mind onto somebody else. All of that is illusion, distortion, projection. Truth is not unloading our opinions onto someone. That is not truth. Truth is not telling our beliefs about things. That is not truth. Those are ways that we actually hide from truth.
Truth is much more intimate than that. When we tell the truth, it has the sense of a confession. I don’t mean a confession of something bad or wrong, but I mean the sense where we come completely out of hiding. Truth is a simple thing. To speak the truth is to speak from a sense of total and absolute unprotectedness.
To tell truth with any consistency, we not only have to meet every place in ourselves that is afraid of telling truth, we also have to see the belief structure we have that tells us, “I can’t do that.” Those belief structures are by their very nature based in unreality. To know this is not enough; you have to actually see it, to really perceive exactly what you believe. What are the exact belief structures that cause you to go into duality, that cause you to go into conflict and hiding? Only then can you tell truth in the way I’m discussing here.
Freedom is the realization that everything and everybody gets to be exactly as they are. Unless we’ve come to that point, unless we’ve seen that this is how reality sees things, then we’re actually withholding freedom from the world. We’re seeing it as a possession, and we’re only concerned with ourselves. How good I can feel? How free I can feel? True freedom is a gift to everything and everybody.
The important thing is allowing the whole world to wake up. Part of allowing the whole world to wake up is recognizing that the whole world is free—everybody is free to be as they are. Until the whole world is free to agree with you or disagree with you, until you have given the freedom to everyone to like you or not like you, to love you or hate you, to see things as you see them or to see things differently—until you have given the whole world its freedom—you’ll never have your freedom.
This is an important part of awakening, and it is an easy part to miss. Again, if we were fully awake, it would be impossible to miss this, but most people do not awaken all at once. The idea of freedom is very important, however. Everybody gets to be as they are. Only when everyone is allowed to be as they are—when you have given them that freedom, the freedom they already possess—do you find within yourself the capacity to be honest and real and true.
We cannot be true as long as we are expecting or wanting others to agree with us. That will cause us to contract—maybe they won’t like what I say; maybe they won’t agree; maybe they won’t like me. When we are protecting ourselves, we are also withholding freedom from everybody else. When we realize that we are the one and only Spirit that manifests as everything and everyone, in the very nature of that realization is total freedom for all.
There is a certain fearlessness in this realization. People sometimes come to me and say, “Well, Adya, there’s still some inner place”—and, I find, it’s often a very early childhood place—“that’s afraid to just be what I know to be true.” And, of course, I’ll say, “You have to look at it, to see how you, yourself, formed certain belief structures based on what happened in the past. You have to look into it and see if those belief structures are really true.” But also, we need to recognize that we have no way of knowing or predicting how the world will receive us. Part of being awake is being willing to be crucified. If we think that to be awake means the whole world will agree with us, then we are in a total delusion.
Inside human consciousness there is a deep taboo that says it is not okay to realize the truth of being. I’m not talking about preaching it, necessarily; I’m talking about just being what you perceive. This taboo says, “That’s not okay. You will be crucified for that; you will be killed for it.” Of course, in our human history, people have been killed for it. We have a long history in many societies of getting rid of or killing truly enlightened beings, because true enlightenment does not conform to the dream state. In fact, many times the dream state feels offended and threatened by true enlightenment, because a truly enlightened being cannot be controlled. Even the threat of death cannot control an enlightened being.
Thus, as a human being, we can’t have these childish ideas that enlightenment means “everybody loves me.” Maybe everybody will love you, but more likely some will and some won’t. But when you have given the whole world its freedom, then you have gone a long way toward finding your own freedom. They are tied inextricably, one to the other.
The most important thing is not that you try to convince anybody of the truth that you see. What is really important is that you are truthful with yourself. If you can be truthful with yourself, then you can be truthful with anybody. There is no real usefulness in becoming overly focused on being truthful with everybody else. Although that’s necessary, the place to start is with yourself—can you be totally sincere with yourself? Can you go to that place that is beyond blame, beyond judgment, beyond should and shouldn’t? Can you go to that place that is so sincere you won’t shy away from any part of yourself that is still in conflict; you won’t use the perception of truth to hide from something that feels less than liberating?
It is really a question of sincerity. As I said, this is not a self-improvement program. Once you discover the level of sincerity and honesty I am describing, you find that sincerity and honesty are manifestations of the absolute nature of being. To be this sincere with yourself may not be easy, initially. You may see things about yourself you don’t want to see. You may see the parts of yourself that stand in seemingly stark contrast to everything you have realized. Nonetheless, this is where awakening moves; awakening moves toward and into that which is not awake. Sincerity is what allows this movement to happen, and it does happen if you are real with yourself.
Coming completely out of hiding, being willing to see every point of fixation, every way you go into division, enables this part of the journey to continue. As this happens, you feel your heart opening, your mind opening; you feel yourself opening on levels that you never dreamed possible. These levels are not just transcendent of humanness, but also right within your humanness, because there is no separation between your human being and your divine being.
Sincerity is the key. You have to be willing; you have to want to see everything. When you want to see everything, you will see everything.
A lot of students who come to see me have the unconscious idea that enlightenment means one should be able to feel complete happiness, total bliss, and total freedom in any situation. This is one of the unconscious beliefs that many people have about awakening, and it’s another misperception.
If you believe the misperception that enlightenment is only about happiness, bliss, and freedom, you will be motivated to transcend or escape those areas of your life that feel less than fully functional. But sooner or later, as we become more awake, we find that there is more and more pressure to encounter and deal with those areas of our lives that we have been avoiding, where we are less than fully conscious.
I have found that a lot of people become quite afraid when they start to realize where this whole movement of awakening is taking them, that it is taking them into an area where they will be called to be unusually honest and real and come completely out of hiding. This is contrary to the idea of awakening being simply a transcendence of life, the finding of a safe haven in some inner experience where we don’t have to deal with life as it is. Awakening is, in fact, quite the opposite: it’s a state of being in which we find the capacity to deal with our lives as they actually are. But as I said, many people are afraid of this part of the process, because it demands that we come out of hiding on every level.”
~ Adyashanti, The End of Your World
Having struggled with choice anxiety for almost two years now, I am starting to understand something… probably a bit too late.
If you don’t know what you want, if you don’t have any responsibilities, if you don’t have any goals, then you also don’t know how to orient yourself in life and that means you don’t know what kind of things support the kind of life that you want/need.
Therefore, you don’t know what kind of job you would like or what kind of books you need to buy, or what kind of people you would like in your life or what kind of activities you would like to do or generally what sacrifices you need to make to get to where you want to be. Everything becomes a haze that envelops you.
So it now makes sense why I don’t know how to choose. It’s because I have not made it clear where I am going, so my choices are disconnected from purpose. And if purpose is not the guiding force behind my actions, then it has to be other considerations like… is this right/wrong?