Conflict and Misperceptions

The difficulties/challenges/conflicts we experience occur most often due to misperceptions. It may seem on the surface level that the external trigger is responsible for our emotional response, yet on a closer examination we will find that there was actually something within us – some pre-existing fear, some pre-existing pain – that responded to the trigger. If we go even further with our examination we will find that behind the fear and behind the pain there are false assumptions, misperceptions.

Many if not most of these misperceptions originate from childhood experiences when our concept of reality was narrow and so we drew wrong conclusions about our painful experiences. These wrong conclusions can look like:

  • If I disagree with people, they will withdraw their love from me

Or…

  • I need to defend myself or else people will take from me what I don’t want to give

Or…

  • I have to always be in control, otherwise I am not safe

We often carry these beliefs and attitudes with us into adulthood without realizing, that is unless we are confronted with situations that bring them to the surface. Intellectually we may know that these are not true, yet the emotions have a reality of their own. It is the emotions that need to learn the new reality.

If we use the trigger as an opportunity to look within ourselves, we can trace the emotions back to when they were initially brought up. And by understanding the context in which our coping mechanisms were adopted, we can understand their unreality in our current circumstances. We can understand that they seemed appropriate at the time and that they were based on a false interpretation of reality.

It can be difficult to unearth these attitudes and feelings as they hide in our unconscious. And being aware of them can be challenging too. Yet once they are seen and felt, it is as though you step into a new reality, as though a heaviness is lifted from your shoulders.

And that is so worth it.

On Trust and Responsibility

A couple of days ago I woke up with the thought: “It’s about knowing what you are responsible for.”

This came as a response to a feeling of self doubt I’ve been experiencing lately.

Upon further reflection it started to dawn on me that there is a link between confidence/trust and responsibility. It goes as follows: what you take responsibility for is what you feel in control of, which gives you a feeling of confidence and trust. Doubt/fear, aside from lack of self knowledge, is due to refusal of responsibility, which results in anxiety because if you’re not responsible for your experience, then you have to be at the mercy of circumstance. Then the feelings you have must be due to somebody else’s actions, the decisions you make are because of somebody else’s expectations or because of an ideology you shift responsibility on and the environment you’re in hurts you because it is imperfect.

So I believe confidence arises as a shift from the perspective of being a victim of circumstance to that of being responsible for everything you experience, which allows you to go into any situation with a feeling of safety, of being in control.

And then you can take the reins of your being back from the hands of the external world… where you have placed it : )

There is no need to despair

If you find a negative trait or quality within you, do no despair, it’s only temporary. Through self-observation you can bring the underlying attitude to the surface and examine it. You can use your daily occurrences and interactions to note the reactions that arise within you. And then change arises by itself as a result of understanding (though it takes time).

If you try to force your emotions into how they should be, change won’t truly occur as this would be a superimposition, much like putting a band-aid over a gunshot wound.

Rather than blame, cover up, suppress or deny, it is much more useful to trace these emotions back to their origin, to see why they’re there, not as provoked from outside but as emerging from within (from a certain self-perception). Emotions are information about the inner reality and they don’t respond to shoulds. They are to be experienced just as they are, as dark as they may be.

It is my experience that stuck emotions (which often make us reactive) are often tangled up with false perceptions both of self and the world. We may intellectually know the truth of why we are experiencing certain difficulties, yet the emotions have a “perception” of their own, often causing an inner split. It is the “perception” of these emotions that needs to be made conscious.

Choice and Self-Knowledge

Lately I’ve been thinking about freewill and choice.

I think the choices we make are a function of self-knowledge. The more we know ourselves, the more we are able to recognize what is immovable (even if temporarily) and what is not. So then choice becomes the recognition of what kind of resistance needs to be accepted and which kind of resistance needs to be pushed through. Like flow, engaging the active and passive principles wisely.

Also it is the understanding that doubt means you are not ready yet, that there is still something left to uncover, hiding somewhere in your unconscious. To the extent that you know yourself, there is no choice to be made, because the choice would just be the obvious thing to do. So then choice is like an optical illusion caused by a lack of self-knowledge. Or something : )

Any thoughts?

[Habits of Confusion] 7. Choosing out of Negative Motivations

“It is extremely important for all of you who work on this path to find where you fear the negative and therefore grab for the positive alternative. When you find the areas of fear, and see how you want the positive for negative motivations, you will be able to accept the rich abundance of life with a raised head, as a free person. It is this soul movement that makes all the difference.

The soul condition of fearlessness produces the conviction that nothing negative is ever necessary and that the human entity’s fate is bliss, unfoldment, and dynamic life. And where such conviction exists, outer facts must follow suit. Shrinking away from a feared alternative and wanting the positive alternative because of that, makes the latter an unreachable illusion. This may explain to many of my friends why a number of doors have remained closed for them, in spite of much progress and insight. However, it requires an extended awareness to notice the existence of fear, and to be aware of the fine differentiation between wanting happiness for the sake of happiness, or wanting it in order to avoid unhappiness.

I have discussed general aims, but your specific desires, with the fear of their opposites, have to be ascertained in your personal work. Nothing is too big or too little, important or unimportant, when it comes to the human psyche. For anything that may appear to be an insignificant aspect is, in the last analysis, connected with the great questions of life. When you find these elements, new doors will open to you, my friends. Even before you can shed the fear itself, ascertaining it and knowing what it means must make a great difference in your attitude to yourself, to life, and to the particular desire that has remained unfulfilled because you have overlooked the shift in motivation. This is an all-important key.

Don’t overlook either that the presence of a fear of the negative does not necessarily annul a healthy wish for the positive for its own sake. It is absolutely possible — in fact, it is frequent — that a healthy wish exists simultaneously with the distorted motivation.

Once you put your finger on the fear, you can directly treat it in your meditations. This will make a great deal of difference on your path. It can be a solution to many problems that have remained stubbornly locked so far. The mere realization, “I cannot step out into freedom because I want freedom not for itself, but because I fear to be imprisoned,” will bring liberation a great step closer. If you realize that you cannot be free because you fear unfreedom, in that realization greater freedom is yours. This may sound complicated and quite paradoxical, but if you deeply think about it, you will understand how true it is.”

– Eva Pierrakos, Pathwork Lecture 130: Finding True Abundance by Going Through Your Fear

More here:
https://pathwork.org/lectures/finding-true-abundance-by-going-through-your-fear/

Finding The Way Out of Confusion

I haven’t yet come out the other side, but these are some things that I found important when making decisions/ figuring things out.

1. Find your real motivations for doing something:

“As you view what is at stake in an issue, you will seldom find an answer by asking whether the action you contemplate is right or wrong. Since none of you would ever consider committing an antisocial or sinful act, the decisions you are faced with could be right either way in principle. Yet, for each individual there is always only one right way and many, many wrong ways possible. So you have to consider your honest motives behind your apparent good motives; that will determine the right or wrong action for you, not the ethical value of the action itself. As long as you have not found all the motives behind a desire, you will not be able to know the right action for you. The right procedure is not to ask God simply to let you know whether to do such and such, thus avoiding the work of self-knowledge on your part. There may be isolated instances where this can be the right thing to do, but not generally, not when there seems to be a repetitive pattern and a conflict involved. The right procedure is to decide wholeheartedly that you wish to find all the motives behind the conscious motive, and for that you should pray for God’s help.” – Eva Pierrakos

“People who do not recognize their hidden motives cannot conduct their lives freely. They are enslaved to their lower selves, to their unrecognized desires, which push and pull them backwards and forward, left and right.” – Eva Pierrakos

2. Consider whether you are ready to pay the price:

“You often desire the impossible, like a child: you find yourself desiring something that cannot be had, or for which you are not prepared to pay the price.” – Eva Pierrakos

“In your unwillingness to pay the necessary price for a desired goal, you leave the issue in the unconscious, thinking childishly to go around it.” – Eva Pierrakos

3. Don’t expect the Divine to solve your problems without your active participation:

“If your present situation feels unsatisfactory in any way, or if you are not clear about a decision you are called upon to make, do not expect God to decide for you or to alter an unpleasant situation without your active participation in the process. You have to realize that there must be something in you that contributed to the undesirable circumstance to begin with and be willing to find what it is and change it. Do not forget that the wrong is not necessarily a sinful action or thought, but an unrecognized emotion that surges in a wrong channel or violates a spiritual law. God recognizes your goodwill, and if you combine prayer with the work of self-examination and tearing down your masks, His answer will become ever more clear, so that there will be no possible room for doubt in you. But as long as your resistance against this way of working persists, no matter what the pretexts and excuses are, the sluggishness and the immaturity of your lower self has the better of you. You will have wrong reactions and distorted instincts, which you will then want to interpret to fit the resistance of your lower self.” – Eva Pierrakos

“Those who will not make a decision are often the same who most sincerely strive to follow their soul’s yearning. Although they truly want to do what is right and just, they shy away from doing something because it may not please God. They are afraid of doing wrong so they do not do anything. They do not understand that by not making a decision they also make a decision. The world, and what you call time, never stands still. Everything is in the stream of life, and whatever you do, including not doing anything, must have a consequence. When you shy away from making a decision, it means you have not yet found a key to your soul. You live, possibly without being aware of it, in fear. You do not take command of your ship, believing and hoping—again unconsciously—that God or fate will make the decision for you. Once in a while this may even happen, but, in general, God’s world is not permitted to interfere, since one of the things you have to learn is to take responsibility for your decisions. You have to learn to pierce the dark cloud which obscures the truth and creates confusion. You must do so by your own effort, by your personal spiritual endeavor, by your increasing self-awareness.” – Eva Pierrakos

“The answer and the key to God’s will are within you.” – Eva Pierrakos

This makes me realize that words of wisdom need to unlocked. It’s like you receive a treasure chest, but you have to find the key within yourself to open it. The tricky part is that we may interpret certain words to mean something that appeals to the lower self, so experience/reflection is needed.

4. A shift in perspective can bring about change on its own:

“So you overlook the simple fact that first your ideas have to change before the vexing conditions have a chance to change too. Thus you find yourself at a certain crucial point on this path in a vicious circle: you wait for a change in your conditions, while the conditions wait for you to change your ideas.” – Eva Pierrakos

“But whatever the problem is, be aware that this problem is in direct connection with an inner wrong attitude of yours and pray for recognition, for guidance, for enlightenment in this respect. If you search in this direction at all and if you are really open to find your particular answer and to see the connection of your outer problem with the inner one, guidance can be given; or rather, the recognition will come to you, for often the guidance is there but you refuse to see it! You refuse to see the signs, the many pointed signs, that are constantly given you.” – Eva Pierrakos

5. Abundance needs to be cultivated from within:

“The open energy system which creates richness flowing into you both from within and without must come from your own richness that can afford to lose at the moment. Then you can afford to tolerate the temporary pain of finding what really obstructs the fulfillment of the unfulfilled need, and ultimately remove it by changing an inner attitude. This is the way to create richness from poverty.

A sequence of steps must be undertaken in this process. Step number one: recognize the conflict we have just discussed where you struggle between resorting to hopelessness or to pushing, holding, and applying pressure from above. Step number two: see that this conflict exists because you operate from the premise of an imaginary poverty, convinced that you could not have what you need if you gave up the pushing, holding, pressuring struggle. You believe that you are condemned never to experience the fulfillment you long for, without which your personality cannot thrive. Step number three: commit yourself totally to working out the real reasons for your unfulfillment in the usual way you learn on this path. This must be done in a spirit of honesty, perseverance, patience, and humility. Humility means not blaming the universe for your poverty in a particular area of your life, but instead searching for your distortions that have created this poverty.” – Eva Pierrakos

“You must first create the inner attitude in which you can accept the not having with good grace and still feel, perhaps even because of it, your inner wealth.” – Eva Pierrakos

6. See the connection between freedom and self-responsibilty:

“The infant in you desires everything the way it wants it, how it wants it, and when it wants it. But it goes further than that. This desire includes wanting complete freedom without responsibility. You may not be aware that you desire just this. But I am sure that by investigating some of your reactions and asking yourself what they truly mean, when you come to the root, you will undoubtedly find that this childish part of your being desires just that. You want to have a benign authority above you who steers your life in all ways as you desire. You wish complete freedom in every way; you want to make independent decisions and choices. If these prove good, it is to your credit. However, you do not wish to be responsible for anything bad that happens. Then you refuse to see the connection between such a happening and your own actions and attitudes. You are so successful in covering up these connections that, after a time, it takes a great deal of effort indeed to bring the connection out into the open. This is so because you wish to make this authority responsible for the negative things only.” – Eva Pierrakos

“It is not only the pain of unfulfillment that you cringe away from, however. You also do not want to take upon yourself mature self-responsibility. This may not apply to all your outer material life, but may affect the emotional plane. If you do not wish to love, and live in fear of being hurt, if you do not wish to take the risk of living upon yourself, you wish to remain the child who waits helplessly for life to fulfill its needs without the necessity of self-involvement. The price you pay for such evasion is very high. Many of you do not yet realize how high that price is. This running away from self-responsibility and from the apparent risk of living and feeling is caused by an original sense of inadequacy, and continuing to run away increases that sense of inadequacy. Only as you change this pattern will you find your sense of adequacy and self-confidence. The psychic law that says that running away from the original pain of unfulfillment increases the unfulfillment, and therefore the pain, operates here, too.” – Eva Pierrakos

7. Identify dual either/or thinking (rebellion vs submission) / Accept current limitations:

“As you accept the narrow structure and recognize it for what it is—the product of your limited thinking—so will your scope of freedom widen. But it does not widen by rebelling against the necessary outer boundaries, and against what appear to be restrictions. Freedom comes from an intelligent recognition of the structure and from the choice to accept it. This choice is made not out of fear and weakness, dependency and submission, nor is it a rebellion of the inner tyrant, which disregards reason and wisdom. It is made with the will to see the truth and meaning and lovingly accept, on those grounds, the narrow structure of the present, even if this seems at first to restrict personal desires. This is the act of love and freedom. The first two alternatives of fearful acceptance and blind rebellion are obviously unloving and unfree. They are not deliberate choices, but blind, automatic reactions, and they bear the seed of hate, distrust, suspicion, selfish demands, maligning of truth.” – Eva Pierrakos

8. Save yourself:

“When I cast my mind back to my upbringing and my life overall, I recognize the times when I was hostage to factors which set me desperately searching for rescue. Rescue implied to me that an outside force, person or persons, would appear to help me out of my unhappy circumstances. But no one would appear. No rescue was at hand. I could have sat on the “rock” of my solitude until I was a very old man, awaiting some nameless, faceless rescue “party”, like someone lost in the wilderness. But when I realized that the wilderness was the landscape of my own making – and of my own mind – I began to feel a strong impetus to take action to get out of the uncomfortable place in which I had somehow landed. That rescue, I eventually concluded, could only come from within myself.” – J. Paul Nadeau, Hostage to Myself

9. Use your willpower wisely:

“You can use your willpower in two very distinct ways. One creates a pressure and tension that will rob you of your peace; it leads you away from the state of detachment so necessary for attaining spiritual and emotional maturity. The other flows freely, strongly, and vitally and will never hamper your serenity; it works deep inside and yet quite consciously; it wills strongly and yet patiently; it leaves you free and detached, yet never passive and resigned. One will-stream comes out of your higher self, the other out of your lower self. If you will something that is against divine law and divine will, it will never give you peace. However, it is also possible for you to will something that is utterly right for you, but to do so in the wrong way, thereby mingling in wrong currents or wrong motives.” – Eva Pierrakos

10. Choose wholeheartedly:

“unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don’t do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don’t do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.”

– Charles Bukowski

“Wherever conflicts exist, in one way or another, you have not made your decisions properly. Do not remain on the surface level; you will have to dig deeper into your emotions in order to find the answer. Within your emotions, sooner or later you must find—provided you search honestly—that you have somehow not made a whole decision; you had somehow hoped to gain the advantage without accepting the disadvantage. And often you even hope—again without thinking it through clearly—to at the same time gain the advantage of both alternatives and to be spared the disadvantage of either. This amounts to cheating life, and the result must inevitably be that life will teach you a lesson and you will reap the disadvantages of both or all sides which you wished to avoid.” – Eva Pierrakos

11. It’s ok to admit that you don’t yet have the answer:

“If, after taking on the problem, you come to the conclusion that you are not yet capable of making a decision because you are not yet able to perceive which direction to take, you are in a totally different state. Then you can ask God for inspiration and knowledge and thus be ready to receive it and act accordingly. The needed recognition will come to you when you have prepared yourself through your own endeavors. It is one thing to avoid a decision, cover up everything that relates to it, and turn away from the problem altogether. It is quite another to strive for truth and knowingly and willingly decide not to make a decision until, after more personal effort, you are ready to take the right course. And when the decision is truly the right one, no shadow of a doubt will be left in you. The result will be ever-increasing inner peace and harmony in your soul. Only in this way can you become the captain of your ship.” – Eva Pierrakos

12. There is a difference between intuition and resonance:

Ideas can resonate with the lower self or with the higher self. They can resonate with hidden motivations and fears that haven’t been made conscious and they can feel ‘right’ too, although from my experience they have a more temporary nature.

13. Being aware of your fears helps:

“The great enemy is fear, and the best way to meet and conquer this enemy is first to ascertain, admit, and articulate it. This approach will diminish fear to a considerable degree and open the way to further measures for ousting it. Of course, the desire to do so must, as always, be clearly expressed in one’s thinking and intentions. However, if you struggle against fear out of fear of fear, this will be difficult. Therefore, the calm admission and the momentary acceptance of it will do more toward its elimination than fighting against it would.” – Eva Pierrakos

14. Ideas of right and wrong (should/must/have to) can delay/hinder progress:

One time during meditation I had the following thought:

“I want to… because… ! I don’t wanna hear any I have tos! ”

And I believe that the motivation for doing something is where it’s at.

“As long as your “right” conduct is motivated by stringent self-moralizing, based on “good or bad,” your goodness or righteousness is not genuine. It does not come from natural insight and inner growth but from fear:  the fear about your imperfection. Therefore, such “goodness” is ineffectual, unconvincing to yourself as well as to others. It is a compulsion, not a choice. And you cannot be in reality when you are compulsive, for reality cannot be evaluated in the extreme terms of good or bad. When these terms cease to apply to anything but very crass issues, the borderlines become subtle and hazy. The issue is no longer capable of being settled by quick judgment about what is good or bad. Then the truth can be found only deep within yourself, instead of in the rigid laws and rules you borrow because you are too insecure to delve into your own soul. But since you don’t dare to find the truth there, you adhere to ready-made rules, and the moment you do you moralize.” – Eva Pierrakos

“This moral structure actually takes the place of the self: you trust in rules rather than in yourself. This is a very shaky trust, for such rules may often be inapplicable to certain real situations. You may often have to grope when you find yourself not knowing what is right. However, if you cannot accept yourself as a human being, fallible and often confused, then this unavoidable confusion has the power to disrupt you completely. You may attribute the disruption to the situation itself, but in reality, it stems from your attitude about yourself. You will always want to find the final solution at once. And this urge is dictated by the false belief that you prove yourself unworthy if you admit that you do not know the answer, or simply have negative, undeveloped reactions.

So the first thing to learn on this path now is the ability to accept not only your fallibility but that you often do not know the answer. If you learn this and at the same time still like yourself, then slowly but surely your emotions will mature and your reactions will change, and a healthy trust in yourself, in your natural, spontaneous reactions, will follow. You will become more lenient with yourself and will no longer need perfection as the only basis for respect.” – Eva Pierrakos

15. Difficulties can be linked with personal defects:

“Although you really want to claim your goal, you still feel it is impossible. There is some wall that does not let you get through. This wall must never, under any circumstances, be disregarded or glossed over. You must never use pressure from your will to overcome the “no” of this wall. Such forcing will remove you further from your real self within and hence from the reality of the life where all good is available. Instead, you have to interpret the meaning of the wall. Translate it into clear words. Whether you doubt that you can have your goal or feel guilty about getting it, or have a sense of not deserving it, or are afraid of life’s demands when you do have it, these still do not add up to the final answer. The reservation within yourself must be linked with a character defect you have not really faced, nor do you wish to, because you do not want to abandon it.” – Eva Pierrakos

[Habits of Confusion] 6. Shoulds

This theme of ideals and shoulds has been coming up a lot lately for me. I have been watching myself and I have noticed some things I didn’t know were there. Like immaturity, expectations of perfection from both myself and others and a desire to control reality.

You see, when things go well, it is easier not to entertain aspects of your lower self. Anybody can be generous when they live in abundance. But when you fail or fall or mess up, that is when the aspects of your lower self start to reveal themselves. That is when your fears start running amok. That is when you start noticing that your strength, happiness and sense of security stemmed not from within, but from external validations. You also notice that your value derived from the way you were perceived by others, from your high-paying job or from the image you had built. It takes failure to reveal those as illusions, which can be a blessing in disguise.

I’m not saying that everybody who lives in abundance has these things lurking underneath, they may very well have transcended these internal attitudes and have no attachment to their wealth or status. I’m saying that losing these things gives us the opportunity to learn where we place our sense of power outside of ourselves, where we unconsciously believe that our worth is dictated by our external circumstances. And it allows us to understand our erroneous assumptions about ourselves and the world.

I started writing this article because of a post I saw earlier on a Philosophy group on Facebook which reminded me of ideals and shoulds. It was a topic of discussion that was proposed by someone:

“The perfect is the enemy of the good.” Discuss.

I replied the following:

I think this is along the lines of “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”. It ties into being so blinded by what should be that we don’t see what is. Like forcing things to fit into our narrow definitions of perfection.

This is something I have been contemplating a lot lately. Ideals, shoulds, personal responsibility, stubbornness and immaturity. There is a link between them. Let me see if I can figure it out…

We hold ideals in our minds, abstractions like love and truth and equality and fairness and acceptance. We aspire towards them, we want both to receive them and to give them. But as long as we don’t link them with our personal experiences and see how they apply to ourselves, they become shoulds, images that make us guilty for not being there yet or rules to follow according to our interpretations of what those ideals are. And there is a big difference between love, for instance, and the way love can look like. Love can look like duty, self-sacrifice, accepting bad behavior or submitting to someone’s will. But it is not those things. Those things are erroneous interpretations we give to love.

An example that comes to mind to exemplify this is that when we think of inner peace, we may imagine a Buddhist monk, unshakable and unflinching in the face of the ups and downs of life. Being used to judge solely by results, we do not pause to wonder what sort of life experiences bring forth the lessons necessary to cause such a shift in perspective so that no matter what comes your way you can maintain your peace. Instead, we observe the attitude, the posture, the philosophy, the words , the mannerisms and we try to adopt them ourselves.

We may even understand it at an intellectual level, but what is not immediately apparent are the roots these ideas have grown in the minds of those who experienced what those ideals were or were not, the associations with painful and memorable moments, the trials and errors and the deep understanding they provide. We only see the surface and often it is the surface we try to imitate.

So what is the problem with this approach? Well, there is nothing wrong with it, it’s just that it does not deliver what we want. The fact is that we build mental images of how peace is supposed to look like and instead of honoring our own experiences by accepting them as messengers of who we are or “where” we are with our progress or what we want and need, we resist our experiences in order to make them fit the mental projections of who we think we should be. We say NO to our own selves and that reflects into us saying NO to the world. We deny reality because it doesn’t match our high expectations for who we’re supposed to be. And we miss important revelations that would otherwise come to us if we accepted what is and if we observed it impartially, like a scientist curious about the result of his latest experiment.

The stubbornness comes in because we tend to cling on to our shoulds and enforce them, which is a sign of immaturity. We want to be loved a certain way, we want to be taken care of a certain way and we want people to accept us unconditionally. We demand a kind of perfection that even we are not capable of offering. And we punish people for not being able to provide us with what we think we need, sometimes even through hurting ourselves. A lot of this happens unconsciously, because we have distorted notions of what love is or what acceptance is. Whereas, if we were honest with ourselves and didn’t try to force reality to bend to our will, we could make decisions that empowered us, decisions that acknowledged the truth of the situation we found ourselves in.

And that is where self-responsibility can help us. Self-responsibility is the affirmation that whatever we experience is our responsibility. Self-responsibility does not let us point fingers and instead places the focus back on us. It asks the question “given this experience, what can YOU do about it if you had to accept that you cannot change it?” It’s like taking all the build up of tension and directing it on a positive channel, one that reminds you of your power.

You see, when you go through difficult situations the child within comes to the surface, seeking to be taken care of. If she does not get what she wants when she asks for it, there are other ways to go about it. Temper tantrums, manipulation, punishment, helplessness, all sort of attitudes and behaviors that she thinks will work. All to get the love that she thinks she needs, or rather her interpretation of what that love is. These attitudes are most often subtle and unconscious and they can be destructive if not made conscious.

“Self‑will is too bent upon its own insistence that it is unwilling to accept present reality. It wishes to be already in a different state of consciousness; it wants to be better than it is now. But it fails to accomplish this goal because it is impossible to grow out of something one is too self‑willed to admit. Self‑will makes one rigid, and rigidity is contrary to the flow of life movement. Self‑will says, “I do not accept the reality as it is now, it must be now as I insist it is.” This makes truthful admission impossible.”

– Eva Pierrakos, The Pathwork Lectures

I know this from my own experiences. I unconsciously hurt myself to make the people around me feel guilty about not loving me the way I stubbornly demanded. I refused to take responsibility and I blamed others for what I was going through. The thought process went like ‘If only they accepted all of my demands, then that would mean they loved me and I could succeed in my endeavors because they accepted me the way I was.’

I linked love with people bending to my will. And I learned that I had a lot of distorted notions of what love meant. I didn’t know I had this within me. I think that ideals are important, they are the expression of the highest values there are. They are aspects of divinity. But our understanding of them is limited and that is why we must hold them loosely in our minds, open to learn what they really are.

I can understand now why Jordan Peterson insists so much on the idea of self-responsibility. Life will likely knock you down at some point and when it does, all these things that you didn’t know you had in you will come to the surface. If you go into it with a mindset that the world is responsible for your problems, you will not know that you have the power to get yourself out of that situation and you might instead fight the situation you are in.

There is a quote that says “with great power comes great responsibility”. I find that the reverse is true as well: “with great responsibility comes great power.” The moment we take responsibility for everything we experience is the moment we take our power back from wherever we have scattered it. And then we can really change.